My novel

Recent events have possessed me to write a "Great Canadian Novel", but I know it would be unhealthy, and I am fighting with my daemons.

My novel would be called "Office Face", and is inspired by my many years in a 'faceless' bureaucracy. It has many characters founded on real people, but I am forced to add some 'normalcy' to them, because nobody would believe the real thing!

There is Zork, the nuclear-working environmentalist, who makes Suzuki look sane. He rides his bike to work every day, wearing shorts, even in the winter. After that, he gives himself a sponge bath in the washroom, with used paper towels, and dries his cup with a used paper towel.

There's Zitler, who is a great fan of Hitler, and has even adopted a phony Hitler accent. He's fat and stinky and gets his way by holding his breath and popping out the stink like a skunk. He handles management reviews by screaming blue murder every time they try to dock him. Then he holds long meetings with them, until they can't breath!

We have Zack, who never was qualified for his position, but nobody checked for 30 years. He knows every chapter and verse of the union contract, so nobody can touch him.

My favourite is Zigfield. He looks exactly like George in Seinfeld! He's a total shit magnet, since everything bad is attracted to him. It is best to stand beside him in an earthquake!

The manager is a total ripoff from Boston Legal, and we have the sexy office queen from other shows.