Thursday, June 7, 2012

Cottage Report

So I went alone with the dog for a few days.  This is a great time to pretend to work, and Savour Happiness.  Absolutely no bugs!  The water is painfully frigid, even after warming up in the sauna.

The Incident of the Red Squirrel

I detest red squirrels at the cottage.  Oh, they're so cute and everything, but they'll chew right into your cottage, and make a disaster.  Ask the neighbours!  So I have an agreement with those buggers.  Hang around my place and I'll ping you with my BB gun.  This has worked for many years now.  Sure, someone gets pesky once in a while, and after a few shots I might scare them.  They have an ancient folklore now:  "Watch out for the crazy old man!"

So the other day, I'm sitting on the deck, pondering what work I should be doing, and this red squirrel suddenly appears right beside me.  I give my best snarl, and open my good eye:  "You're going to die, Red Squirrel."  And she stands up on her hind legs, and stares at me two feet away:  "You got any peanuts, Old Man?".  Well, I'd be damned to give her any peanuts, those are for the chipmunks!

So, while she's rifling the deck, I go back to get out the bb gun.  It's been a long time, so I get it out, clean it, oil it, and find the stuff.  Then I get out a little target paper (Damn bullseye!), and practice shooting.  Then I come back, and find the squirrel on the deck.  "Excuse me, but you're supposed to be 30 feet away on a branch.  Too close and I might actually hit you.  What a mess, and a hole in my deck!  I shoo the squirrel away, and look.  Totally disappeared!

The next day a bunch of red squirrels are in the zone.  I carefully get the gun, load it, put on my safety glasses, and put the dog inside.  And then I come out.  No squirrels!

So, when I'm finally having my celebratory beer, the damn squirrel comes up to me.  "Got any peanuts, Old Man?"  This time I didn't get up, but gave a sly smile.  I know I'll get that squirrel one day.  For .... I am ...  The Hunter.

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